When Someone Comes Out

Executive Summary

• Listen to understand and hopefully empathize.
• Reassure them of your love, concern, and respect.
• Affirm them for who they are.
• Respect their privacy. Don't assume it is now common knowledge.

Now if you're the sort of executive who believes your time is more valuable than the people you pretend to love, then you're dismissed. Go do something you think is important. 

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Since you're still here, I believe you really care about someone in your life whom you may think is gay or lesbian, bi, trans, or otherwise queer*. Here I want to share some insights into the coming out process that are often not obvious to people who haven't coming out. We will look at things that people coming out really need to hear, and things that could be devastating to hear.

* "Queer" is a very charged term. Some people find it very offensive. Some people use it very offensively. Some people (like me) use it as a term of proud defiance against sexual bigotry. Here, the terms LGBTQ, gay, and queer will be used interchangeably to mean anything other than straight cis. It's not meant to slight anyone.

Coming out is huge for an LGBTQ person. Imagine getting your driver's license, voting in your first federal election, going on your first date, and getting your first kiss all within an hour on your birthday. Now multiply that by about a factor of three and you're beginning to get an idea of the magnitude of a typical coming out experience. It usually involves a wide range of intense emotions like happiness, sadness, elation, anticipation, anxiety, excitement, shame, relief, dread, regret,  raw fear, strength, courage, and vulnerability to name just a few. For the vast majority, coming out is nothing less than exhilarating.

There's nothing simple about coming out, either for the one coming out or the recipient.

Coming out isn't a single instantaneous event. Even in these "enlightened" times, most LGBTQ people face serious internal struggles in the process of recognizing and accepting their differences. It's not unusual for someone to take years to come out to themselves. They didn't just wake up one morning and say, "I'm going to be gay."

Understand that coming out can be very dangerous.

People out have been kicked out their homes, disowned by parents and siblings, beaten, killed, cut off from close relationships, condemned, shunned by entire communities, fired, mocked, humiliated, shamed, blackmailed, and much more.

It's very difficult to predict someone's reaction. Loving parents with gay friends have faced rude self-discovery when one of their own children comes out to them.  When they're up close and personal, things look different.

When someone comes out to you, they are probably aware that any and all of those things are very real possibilities.

Recognize this is probably very difficult for them.

Coming out requires courage, usually a lot of it.
They are probably feeling more vulnerable to you than ever before.
It's a bit like handing you a knife and hoping you won't rip their guts open.
Thanking them for loving and trusting you enough to make themselves that vulnerable is usually a very reassuring first response.
Hopefully you will be encouraging, accepting, and affirming. Even if they haven't already, it's quite likely they will encounter people who are not so accepting. Rejection can range from mild disapproval to completely broken relationships, even hatred. They may already be wounded.

Tell them you still love them.

This is the most important thing they need to hear, and they really need to hear it.

Your own attitudes and feelings will probably change along with your understanding, but if you know you love them, say so.

Listen, carefully.

Focus on understanding what they're saying and how they feel, not how you'll respond to it.

Ask appropriate questions.

What is appropriate depends on your relationship, but here are some possibilities:

• When/how did you realize that you are gay?
• Are you comfortable knowing this about yourself?
• Was it difficult for you to tell me?
• How do you see this changing your life?
• How can I support or help you now?
• Have you felt rejected by anyone you've come out to?

If you are straight, try to imagine being gay. That will probably raise some questions for you.

They are probably expecting questions, and this may be the best opportunity for quite a few of them.

Don't ask stupid and/or offensive questions.

Yes. There really are some stupid questions:

• When/why did you choose to be gay? (So, when did you choose to be straight?)
• Have you ever "been with" someone of the opposite sex?
• Don't ask about their sex life, especially not now. It will probably embarrass you both, not to mention expose heteronormative ignorance. (Google it.)

If you're not sure about a question, tell them you're unsure. Give them the option of not answering.

Don't be ashamed to admit that you need time to process this.

If they seem impatient, it's ok to remind them how long they've had to get used to it.

Affirm.

Bigotry and prejudice are still very much a part of our world today. Some have only seen it from a  distance. Some have been immersed (baptized?) in it from infancy. None of us have been untouched by it.

The majority of LGBTQ people today have experienced shame, embarrassment, and hatred even if only internally.

You grow up being taught something is wrong and shameful. (Sometimes the teaching is overt. Sometimes it is subtly absorbed from the attitudes of people around you.)
You begin to see it in yourself.
You probably try to change it or make it go away.
It doesn't change. It doesn't go away.
You try to pretend it's not there.
You probably try very hard to keep anyone else from seeing it.
Every time it pops up, you remember how wrong and shameful you learned it is.
You hate seeing it in yourself.
You realize that it is part of yourself.
You have become self-loathing.

Even if they have since learned that it's not wrong, not shameful, and shouldn't be embarrassing, attitudes from years and years of social conditioning don't go away over night. There's often a since of disappointing or even betraying people who thought you were straight.

In American culture, "cocksucker" is generally considered one of the worst of all insults. It's not an easy thing for a boy to tell his dad (or brother or best friend) that he likes dick. Most gay people have felt shame, embarrassment, and humiliation even knowing that it is undeserved. This is why affirmation is so important.

They need to hear that they are still the same lovable, respectable, valuable, good person they've always been, and that someone else recognizes that.

Don't be rash, and don't be afraid to ask for time to adjust.

If you need time to process what you're learning and how you feel about it, tell them. Don't make pronouncements, demands, or judgments you're like to regret tomorrow or next week.

Don't say they're just confused or going through a phase.

Very rarely, that may be true. Coming out if quite daunting to most queer people. They're not doing this on a whim.

Don't assume this is directed at you.

If you really think they are coming out to hurt or embarrass you, a joint therapy session might be appropriate. At least one of you really needs help.

Don't tell them you don't want to know, or that it's none of your business.

You are important enough to them that they want to share an important self-discovery. You should feel honored.

You really think you don't want to know? Would you rather discover it when they introduce you to their date in front of a lot of other people?

Don't trivialize either coming out or diversity.

Sometime soon, let's hope that sexuality won't be a big issue. Right now, right here, it is. People still get killed for it.

People sometimes say "it doesn't change anything." Of course they mean "...negatively." That's a nice thought, but let's be realistic. They've just opened a profoundly important aspect of their life to you. If there is any sort of relationship between you, it just changed for you both. Hopefully, that relationship will be deeper and stronger.

Don't assume they've been fantasizing about you or your significant other.

You don't want to hump everyone of whatever sex you find appropriate. Neither do they. You might want to do a little reading on narcissism, too.

Don't accuse them of lying to you "all this time." 

Most LGBTQ people struggle internally for years before accepting themselves. Chances are they've kept it hidden from themselves for quite a while. It's a complicated process. Even after coming out to themselves, it takes time to come out to more people. It doesn't just happen magically an instant.

Don't be offended someone else knew before you.

The closer the relationship between you, the more complications they probably faced in telling you. It's not because they don't love you, it's because they do.

Respect their privacy.

Don't make assumptions about who else they may have come out to. 

It's not your place to out them to anyone else.

Most people won't be offended if you ask who else already knows. If you feel like you'll need to talk to someone to process it, tell them, and ask who you an discuss it with.

Don't say you already knew. 

Maybe you suspected. It's probably taken them quite a while to know for themselves. Don't insult them by insinuating you know them better than they know themselves.

Don't assume they've been living a double life.

Once in a while it may be true. Even if it is, respect their privacy. (The situation might be somewhat different for someone who has been vigorously persecuting the LGBTQ community.)

Don't assume they're now an amoral slut.

Coming out will change some perspectives, but not usually values. 

Realize that being queer doesn't change one's character, integrity, or values.

Coming out does frequently involve re-evaluating one's moral code and it's origins, so some things are likely to change. They're still the same person.

Don't assume they're like any other LGBTQ person you think you know. 

All people are different.

Be patient.

Many things in their lives are changing very rapidly. Remember they're adjusting to a lot more changes than you are.

Don't assume that everything will be smooth and rosy for them.

Times are changing. It get better. It has gotten better. It still needs to get better. Hopefully within a few generations, sexual orientation won't be an issue.
There are some lucky people who feel love and acceptance from everyone they encounter. Most of us get some mixture of responses. Sometimes very painfully negative.